Just days after vowing to send the army into Cape Town to crush a threatened strike by taxi bosses, tough mayor and opposition leader Helen Zille says she will task the South African National Defence Force with hunting down and destroying the people who told her that her hairstyle was fabulous and who taught her a series of hip-hop dance moves.
Zille’s threat to use the army to enforce law and order in the ongoing taxi dispute has raised eyebrows, not least within the armed forces who say they never signed on to do any actual fighting.
According to SANDF spokesperson Brigadier Daisy Makwetla of the 110th Padded Immobile Infantry, the army was reluctant to confront taxi bosses as they were “flipping dangerous”.
She added that any kind of major operation in the city would also severely disrupt the SANDF’s capacity to continue eating sausage rolls and playing dominos.
However, this morning Helen Zille’s spokesman, Thabo Token-Black, confirmed that the mayor was determined to see justice prevail.
“Obviously with the election so close we don’t want to make any alarmist statements,” he said.
“But I don’t think it would be out of line to suggest that taxi owners are about to meet with Helen’s good friend, Pain.”
He confirmed that she was also briefing military commanders about a potential surgical strike against her hairstylist and a freelance dance instructor named Faisal.
“Nobody wants to point fingers, least of us all,” he explained. “But you’ve seen the footage of the hair and the dancing. People need to die.”
Asked what the DA’s message to voters would be over the next few weeks, Token-Black said it would be a message of respect and tolerance.
“Except for Maurice of Hackles Glam Parlour. And his little dog. And Faisal, who said he could turn Helen into Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas in three sessions. And Faisal’s homey Abdol who told Helen the hip-hop hand wave would look totally bitchin’.
“They need to run and hide, because there’s a world of hurt coming their way. Helen’s coming to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and she’s all out of gum.”
Zille could not be reached for further comment as she had reportedly taken the DA’s senior leadership on a 30km forced march on thorns to “root out the weak and fling their carcasses to the jackals”, or to ask them to resign, whichever seemed more appropriate at the time.
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The right-wing Herstigte Nasionale Party has named deceased former leader Jaap Marais as its presidential candidate in the election, saying that he embodies the state of the party.
The HNP was founded in 1969 in protest against the apartheid government’s “pansy-assed liberal” policy of using only semi-automatic weapons on black civilians.
The announcement was made this morning as the HNP’s four active members celebrated the party’s 40th anniversary at its headquarters in the stands of the Middelburg Muni-cipal Dog Track.
Marais, who regularly referred to B J Vorster as “that Jew-loving homo”, died in 2000 when an ox-wagon he was tuning slipped off its jack and crushed him. His death was a body blow to the party that had once denounced P W Botha as a “Communist fornicator hell-bent on forcing Satan’s teat – television – into the pink mouths of our white babies”.
A bitter power struggle ensued, during which the remaining six members sent each other curdled milk-tarts and bottles of fig jam with lids too tight to open. However, the deaths of two more members – both from strokes after accidental exposure to SABC1 – has reportedly unified the party.
Speaking to journalists this morning, HNP spokesman Wolraad Strond said there had been only one suitable candidate to contest the election.
“We had a long look at the party, and we brainstormed some words to describe it,” he said. “It was mostly stuff like ‘under ground’, ‘dead’, ‘buried’, that kind of thing.”
And obviously Jaap represents all of that really well. “Plus he’s really patient,” said Strond.
“If he loses this time round he’s happy to wait until 2014. He’s not going anywhere.”
Strond conceded the party might miss the election altogether as it was struggling to raise the R500 000 deposit required by the IEC.
“It’s going slower than we hoped.” Jaap Marais could not be reached for comment as he was dead.